Have you stayed at an event, in a space, or in a relationship, that you didn’t like, maybe even felt uncomfortable, but thought you SHOULD stick it out? 👋🏼 Anyone else?
Good grief. I had a dream about this the other night. I was at something like a neighborhood block party of sorts, although we were in a stark white bldg. Maybe post-apocalyptic and the air wasn’t safe? I wasn’t WITH anyone, so I was alone among lots of people. Several folks invited me to sit with them. I felt dread. Everyone disappeared to get food and then I really was alone, in a swivel chair. A white swivel chair. Twirling, heart racing… should I just go? I don’t want to be here. I’m uncomfortable. And, the struggle, the fight that was happening in my head was that I SHOULD stick it out. Make new friends. Something must be wrong with ME that I feel this way. Anyone else would be just fine. 🙄
I try and write out my dreams in the morning if I remember them. My therapist does dream analysis with me occasionally, and I find it fascinating, and often… very helpful! I don’t even think I need her for this one though.
After writing “being there was hard” my brain lit up and I got fired up about judging myself. How many times have I had to remind myself lately that it’s actually my intuition, my gut, my truest self, telling me - GET OUT. Leave that behind. Leave them behind.
My friend Jess and I have been talking quite a bit lately how we’ve stayed in places and in relationships for too long because we thought we SHOULD be comfortable when we weren’t; that there must be something wrong with us. We’ve reflected how growing up in an evangelical tradition that told us who and how to be, and want to think and believe, took our ability to discern intuition away from us. We were uncomfortable at home growing up and thought, that’s just the way it is.
The work to undo that learning is hard. It’s learning a new discomfort.
Learning how to speak my mind was uncomfortable.
Declaring and holding boundaries was uncomfortable.
Having difficult conversations was uncomfortable.
Now, that discomfort is much easier to handle. I’ve learned to trust myself.
The discomfort I feel now also has me living a life of greater ease. I finally feel like myself. Learning to listen and trust my own intuition has been a hard practice, with bountiful payoffs.
My instinct is still to wonder what I’m doing wrong. What about me needs to be fixed? After I take a few deep breaths, settle the nervous system, the clarifying light dawns… Oh, this ___ is just not for me.
Learning how to voice my opinions, stand up for myself, set those boundaries, has been hard work, but oh so rewarding!!
Let me know if I can coach you through finding your voice to bring you more trust and knowing within yourself.