What is Confidence?
Where in your life do you need more Confidence?

I’ve been doing a lot of specific reading and researching about Confidence the last couple of years. It’s always on my mind; for myself and for my clients, as it’s the #1 goal they have - to have more confidence with their voices.

When the pandemic hit, and we all shifted to online, I was looking for creative ways to keep clients engaged as it looked like we would be online for some time. Voice training has been a very personal, in person thing. That fall, I offered my new Confidence Class. I had 3 clients who showed up to explore with me for 12 weeks. Thanks to Thomas, Allyson and Todd for their vulnerability to show up and take this journey with me.

As I’m in my 3rd iteration of shorter Confidence class with my clients, I continue to gain more clarity on the subject, and am recognizing that this is deeper work than most folks might realize.

I met Karly Nimmo, a wonderful coach in Australia, in a bookclub I joined for creatives when we were in the early stages of stay-at-home orders. I started following her on Instagram: @karlosophies. I was a month into teaching my own first Confidence class when scrolling one night and a post of hers caught my eye…

“The myth that using your voice requires confidence…
Speaking up and sharing who you really are with the world isn’t a confidence thing. It’s a vulnerability thing. A willingness to expose yourself. To open yourself up for potential rejection or confrontation…
Confidence is a bi-product. Not a prerequisite.”

Find her full post @karlosophies (10/02/2020)

Her words hit me like that “I could’ve had a V-8” moment smack on the head. Ok, I know that dates me. Like Homer Simpson’s “D’oh!” Still too old? How about, it was an “a-ha” moment. Of course. Yes, this resonated so truly to me.

I’ve experienced this connection to vulnerability and confidence. Over and over. I was turned on to the Shame and Vulnerability work of Brene Brown about 8 years ago. Her work was crucial in my transformation as I began to find myself. That might sound a little cliche, but it was so real and true for me. I’d been living my life for others, stuck in old traumas. I was awakening to the need to make a change and I was ready to tackle the hard stuff. I dove into coaching and therapy and was eating up any work I could find that would lead me to free me from my fears and help me live a life that I hadn’t even dreamed of yet. Just knew I needed to be existing differently in the world.

Learning to be vulnerable takes a lot of courage. Living those moments over and over again, and coming out whole and not destroyed on the other side, does indeed increase confidence. I’m so grateful for that work. While it still continues, the hardest, biggest load of that recovery work seems to be behind me, and I wouldn’t trade those hard experiences for anything, as they’ve brought me to where I am. I think the hardest part is getting started.

Transforming my relationships, beginning new ones, learning how to be different for the sake of not losing myself in them, meant I had to learn how to use my voice in a whole new way. I had to ask for what I needed. I had to learn to say “no”. I had to embrace conflict and not run away; be willing to have the difficult conversations without shutting down or freaking out. Alright, freak outs still happen, but I recover much quicker now.

And, having confidence does not mean that one is not nervous or scared. It means, we still show up and do the thing anyway.

A year or so after I started this work, I started writing my own songs. Talk about vulnerable! Whew!

Hey (strums guitar chord) - here is my heart and all that I love and believe in a 3 minute song; hope you like it and don’t think I’m a basket case. Or, here is what hurts me and what I want in my life. Or, here’s my sexy side, and now you know my deep desires. Right?!

I got a whole new taste of vulnerability, and you know what? I showed up and sang my songs, and felt a little nauseous a bunch of times, and I still stood. And, most importantly, I connected, and I felt stronger for it. More confident.

So, this is my experience with gaining confidence in my own life, with my voice in asking for what I need, and with my voice as an artist and performer.

If you want more confidence in your voice (whether in speaking up for yourself or others, or as a singer) what work do you need to do? How can I coach/guide you?

Are you ready to be vulnerable?

Here’s an exercise I did with one of my classes.

Define (for yourself) Belief, Fact, Truth.

After you write them out, go look up a dictionary definition (you may find different ones)

As you ask yourself these next questions, notice where in your body you might feel a visceral reaction - head rush, breathing change, tightness in throat, chest, belly.

What is a belief you have about yourself?

What is a fact you know about yourself?

What is a truth you know about yourself?

— Let me know any revelations you might have found here.

I can’t convince someone they “can sing” or that I like their sound when they have a BELIEF that they can’t, or sound horrible. The stronger that BELIEF is, the more it erodes confidence.

Judgment and Perfection also ERODE confidence.

You know what builds it?
Vulnerability/Courage (same coin)
Acceptance
And
Self-Compassion

Practicing those are as important as doing your vocal exercises.