It seems my whole life has been wrapped up and centered on my body; and most of it in a critical way? 🙄
Is that true for you too?
From the most basic needs as eating and being clothed, to moving the body, of course singing, and then the journey of moving trauma out of the body, the analysis is constant. I’m happy to say that the judgment has withered mostly away, because that was the fu&*ing exhausting part!
BODY AWARENESS - Movement & Sound
I’ve been studying on the mind and body for awhile now through voice science, somatic therapies, trauma healing, and I KNOW the body holds memories, whether we cognitively recognize the events or not.
My journey noticing my body with more care began when I started yoga in 2008.
I started a more body aware, somatic approach to singing and teaching singing in 2009. I could see when/where my body was thwarting me, or helping me make the sounds I wanted (or didn’t want).
BODY LISTENING - Feeling Emotion, Moving Energy
My time in therapy learning Somatic Experiencing ® in 2014-16 showed me how to listen to my body in a whole new way. I likely took to this particular therapy quickly because of the years of noticing my body through singing and yoga. And, while it was a life saver from a mental health perspective, it also opened up my voice in new ways too.
Our bodies hold memory and trauma different than our minds. Learning this helped me realize I could no longer think/wish my worries/anxiety away (not that that was working anyway!!).
NOTE: If you’re thinking, ‘wow, trauma is trendy lately’, that’s because the broader conversation (and science) is newer in the field of psychology.
BODY & MIND RELATIONSHIP
If you’re a singer, you likely have run into this errant thought while singing:
“Oh no, here comes that trouble spot/note.”
And, then, indeed we feel and hear that tricky part of the song.
Coaching others has helped my own singing so much, because I can I see my clients do things I’ve done for years!
I will witness a client start to tense when they think the next exercise or phrase will be the one that goes awry (usually b/c we’re going higher in pitch and/or volume) and it does.
@the.therapist.who.moves.you has some great writing on the body/mind connection. A couple of years ago, she posted
“Chances are if your mind is thinking it your body has been feeling it for a lot longer.”
Yes! I could identify that connection immediately! It’s what we do when we brace when we’re scared that our voice will not do the right thing.
I’d been thinking that the “oh no” thought causes the tension, but of course, it’s the other way around. The body knows best! When we think it, the body has already started bracing.
I’ve tried changing the dialogue in my head:
“Here comes that tricky spot, let’s see what happens”
OR
“Ok, here we go, don’t hold back”
… hoping that directive would keep the body from tensing. It has started to work!
What I have found to be the quickest, easiest fix for not bracing, is just physically move when I notice I’m worried about a moment.
Moving the hands/arms and/or head often helps relieve the tension and helps the voice stay freer.
As soon as I notice the fear thought, I start moving away the tension physically. For the most part, it works!
BODY LOVE: CONDITIONAL TO UNCONDITIONAL
I was quick to accept what my body would or would not to in yoga, I learned to forgive ‘mistakes’ or sounds I didn’t like when I sang, I learned to nurture the scared little Julie within while releasing stored trauma from my body. But, fat layers, certain shapes/sizes, still were still not welcome!
Then, in 2018 I got turned onto the concept that diet culture might be bad. If this idea is new to you, hold on to your hats!
It was a serendipitous moment. I was in the airport, one of several trips I was taking that spring. It was an unusually busy time for me. I sat to reorganize after I got my boarding ticket, looked at my calendar and then held my breath.
“Oh no, when did I last try on that dress!?”
“I guess it’s chicken, kale and water the next 3 weeks”.
On cue, my stomach growled.
I was going to be a 44-yr old bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding the next month, and got my dress in January. I immediately knew that I had put on enough weight that it would be too tight.
In the next minute I get a text from my pal Jess: “Have you heard of Caroline Dooner and her “Fu&%-it Diet” blog/podcast?”
The first blog I clicked on was on Mental Starvation. Pretty applicable for my thought 2 minutes ago!
I did a deep dive into the Health & Every Size movement and read all the books coming out about the harms of diet culture. As I’m sure many of you have experienced, I’ve live my whole life hearing that my body wasn’t right. Wasn’t small enough. I have been fighting being in a larger body since I was 9 years old.
I could go on and on about these harms, and myths on health, dieting, but there are experts who have done a ton of research and writing that I’ll refer you to instead. (Resources below).
This was when I learned to listen to my body, and started on the journey to trust her, and stop the mistreatment in the name of achieving thinness.
I had that dress let out, and I was fabulous and beautiful! 👗
Side Note: as much as my mom was a part of me learning to judge and alter my body (she had the same cultural/familial judgments), her love of swimming overrode the fear of being seen in a swimsuit. She passed on that love of swimming and water. I’m sure this experience of confidence and ease that allows me to enjoy swimming and being at the beach with no fear, has helped me in this journey of Acceptance and Love.
BODY RESPECT & REVERENCE
This last piece of body awareness and care brought a new reverence and respect for my body. And, alongside the acceptance and joy I’ve found in my voice and appreciating how my body supports me when I stretch, walk, swim, this respect has put a stop to the cruel thoughts and things I used to do to it.
I know that so many people, especially women in our society, have fretted and worried about fixing their bodies for, well… more than a century, according to the research.
Our culture has made the body the enemy. I won’t even start on how my fundamentalist Christian upbringing added to my disdain for my body. That’s a tome for another day.
Between the media, family, church, school bullies - so everyone everywhere - it’s amazing to find that crack in the window that helped me find acceptance, love and respect.
And, know that I still feel insecure about it all from time to time too. Anyone who has lived in a larger body at any time, and certainly for a lot of time knows that there is a prejudice that lives against us. Moments I have of wishing I was in a smaller body have less to do with my actual body, and more to do with the treatment I get from other people.
BODY ALLOWANCE & ACCEPTANCE
I’m pretty sure singing was my gateway into the love and acceptance before I knew I needed it.
Before I was consciously aware that I should be judging my body all the time, I sang. I sang to self-soothe when I was a kid. It was the safest way to express/allow my feelings.
You know what the root source of singing is?
Breathing!
My belly moved in an out with ease to help me sing, and I didn’t worry about it once.
No matter the size my belly is/has been (and there have been many sizes over the years), no matter how often I was told to, and then instinctively sucked my belly in on a daily basis, it was always welcome to move when I sang. Those body judgments took a backseat, because singing is life. (You know, like football is to Danny - Ted Lasso fans?)
I’ve taught women in their 60s and 70s who are still holding their stomachs in on a regular minute to minute basis. In working to get a relaxed breath and easier breathing, I’ve seen grandmothers cry at how weird it felt to let go of those muscles; they didn’t even know they were flexed! It’s fun to witness their delight as their voice frees up and becomes fuller as a result!
Bottom line: I didn’t accept and love my voice in a whole-hearted unconditional way until I accepted and respected my body as a whole.
BODY CHANGES!
Our bodies are precious and glorious, all shapes and sizes, abilities and sounds. I’m honoring my body today, a fresh 49, excited to see what this 50th year will bring.
My eyesight and hormones may be changing, but I’ll be loving ❤️ on every inch of her!
I hope you fall in love a little bit more with you too.
xo, julie
Body healing books…
The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor
Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison
Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
The F*ck-It Diet by Caroline Dooner
More Than A Body by Lexie and Lindsay Kite
Fearing the Black Body by Sabrina Strings (The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia)
When Food is Love by Geneen Roth
Body trauma books…(I’d also recommend in person work!)
The Body Keeps the Score (Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma) by Bessel A van der Kolk
In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine
Healing from Trauma (A Survivor’s Guide) by Jasmin Lee Cori
When the Body says NO by Gabor Mate (The Cost of Hidden Stress)
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem
The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller (The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting)