Being too Emotional or too Sensitive have often been linked to someone being difficult. I’ve been noodling on this recently, ‘cause I don’t think that’s true.
First of all, we’re all difficult to someone. Perhaps the difficulty comes from not being understood, or surrounding ourselves with the wrong people, i.e. not our people.
My view is that said “difficult” people are likely perfectly lovely wonderful people. They might get a label as difficult because they are too loud, , too sensitive, too emotional, or, we’ve all heard it… “too much”.
I have a few friends that are big personalities, extroverts, often labeled as too much (which is hurtful). I recognize that they are beautifully them, and I want them to be that way!
I tend to have less energy which means I have to be mindful about limiting my time, b/c I can often get overwhelmed by volume and big energies. Our energies are just different. And, that’s okay. Our uniqueness should be celebrated.
If we are an introvert in an extroverted family, we need to learn to set boundaries and know when we have energy to be with them, and when we need a break. I can’t remember where I read/heard recently, that parents are fearful of having introverted children, because of how difficult life can be. I’m sorry I can’t pinpoint that reference. I’ll go digging. I’ve heard from two friends that the book Quiet is a great reference for extroverted parents understanding introverted kids; and good info for everyone!
Perhaps this is why holiday gatherings are so challenging. It is common that those working on themselves (therapy, self-discovery/healing, etc) find it especially difficult to go back into the family of origin situations when everyone else isn’t “doing the work”.
I get that! Some of us are just more self-aware than others even w/o therapy. My discovery is that I have the freedom to choose to “go back home” or how much time I spend with them. My challenge is fighting the urge to say ‘yes’ and go along with what everyone else wants for fear that I’ll hurt someone’s feelings if I say ‘no’ or don’t want to participate. Leaving the room, or saying I need a break have been BIG steps in taking care of myself at family gatherings. Everywhere else in life, I curate who I am around, so that’s easier.
I have several friends that endure family visits. Enduring, even if miserable.
Maybe it’s easier for me now. Now that Dad is gone, and Mom is virtually gone. Once upon a time I would have never dreamed of not spending Christmas with my mom, even though being around her set my nerves on edge most of the time.
I was reflecting on Christmases past, and realized, when I started “doing the work” on myself, I did start making changes.
Deciding to get divorced (7 yrs ago) was such a big decision, a big change, it seemed to set in motion a flood of other changes that had been scratching at the surface to bloom. I had spent every Christmas with my Mom up until that first one on my own.
I was down…blue. 💙 😔
My sister-in-love invited me to join their family on a trip to NYC for the holidays. My first instinct was to say “no” - because I couldn’t leave mom. But before that phone call was over, I was buying my plane ticket online. My new practice of noticing what I wanted/needed, and asking for it, kicked in! It was not a year for me to endure. I’d had enough of that!
Every Christmas since, I’ve done a little something different. Many were at the beach. Most of them involved a brief visit with mom. Most of them have been with Keith too ❤️ And, many with friends.
2020 craziness took me to Key West with Kristin; likely the most fun Christmas! Last year I was back with my brothers’ families for a wedding in Birmingham.
This year has been my first Christmas at home in a few years. Laying low, resting. My sister and her husband visited last week. We reminisced, and celebrated our mental health accomplishments this year. She’s newer to the journey, and it’s nice to commiserate and celebrate.
My brother-in-law is one of those big personalities; he’s got big energy, talks a lot, talks loudly, moves quickly, and each visit gets me clearer to what I can handle, and what I can’t. Last year I criticized him (yelled at him!), and realized I was doing that thing, where we ask someone to be different b/c they were too much of something for us. This year, I created more time and space between visits, and it was easier. Still, probably 2 days too long. He is lovely and a lot of fun, and I need smaller doses. Now, I’ve got a new boundary for the next visit. Yay growth!! 🤗
Something else I noticed: I’m sensitive, my sister is emotional. This is how I see this… my senses are always heightened (read my blog “You’re so Sensitive!”). My sister is too, AND she also expresses her emotions bigger and quicker than I do… quick to anger, quick to love, quick to xyz… She feels deeply. These are ways we can be seen as TOO emotional. It is often crying that sparks an insensitive “you’re too sensitive” comment. Notice how funny our language is? Sensitivity is also demonstrating consideration, empathy, compassion.
As we reminisce and commiserate, we note how we were taught to suppress our emotions for most of our lives; taught to pretend everything was ok for the sake of the family; or didn’t have time to allow a processing because we were in a quick survival mode constantly. This buried, hush, denial of emotions often leads us to be explosive with them.
The difference between us is that she will let her big emotions be seen; I still tend to hide them. My eruptions are much fewer and farther in between, and I now have a handful of trusted people I call upon to vent to or process with. I used to suffer in silence, so my tears came when I was alone, or they’d geyser at unwanted and unexpected times. That’s what “too emotional” looks like; suppression bursting.
My tears flow freer now, no matter who is around. I’m still mostly a quiet processor.
Some folks are so good at suppressing emotions that they become physically ill. That’s happened to me a time or two, and as I’m so sensitive in my body, I have been quick to correct that. No more holding for me. Healthy processing leads to fewer explosions. Gabor Mate’s “When the Body Says No” is a powerful read for the importance of processing emotions for the sake of our health and well being.
My cousin cries every time we say goodbye. She says she has BIG emotions. She feels the sorrow and the missing in a way I don’t. I used to worry that I seemed uncaring or unloving because I didn’t cry when we parted. These are just more differences.
And, differences are just that. Maybe the difficulty comes in not understanding, or not willing to see that differences are okay.
Every family gathering (holidays for most of us) gives me a little more information about myself, and what I need. And, each time I get a little better about asking for it.
I hope you have found, or find your voice around your needs for your next gathering.
By the way, there is no life requirement that says you have to gather with family. Our culture is changing, and choices are vast.
“Because they’re family” is no longer an excuse to torture yourself if being around them distresses you.
A family of choosing can be “thicker than blood”; they are a powerful love, loyal, and a sweet relief.
Btw, this is one reason why the “Fast and the Furious” movies are so popular. Those of us that find more comfort in a chosen family have seen confirmation of that on the screen behind all the fast car races/chases. They are a found family.