I did not learn how to self regulate as a child.
Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behavior and your reactions to feelings and things happening around you.
I mostly shut down intense feelings; pushed them down. There were usually grownups having bigger reactions to warrant my quietness. And, I learned that my louder reactions could have negative consequences.
As a teenager, my reactions to feelings felt over the top out of control. I think back to that church trip where I accused my boyfriend of lying and he cursed at me and broke up with me. You’d have thought the world was ending to witness my reaction. I remember feeling so out of control as I wept and wailed. I could recognize the overreaction, embarrassed by it, yet I could not stop it. It had to play out until I was spent.
As an adult, even the times I pushed the feelings down felt out of control in some way. It was a knowing I guess. Knowing there must be a better way; I just didn’t know that path; that process. I had no teachers.
I felt stuck in a lot of ways I could not name.
I was introduced to Somatic Experiencing almost 9 years ago. A therapy method designed for trauma victims. I didn’t think I qualified, but I took to the exercises like a natural. I was already used to noticing my body after years of body-awareness voice training.
It didn’t take me long to see the connection between the emotion, the reaction, the outcome, and then slowly looking back to see how I acted on those feelings (usually without processing) lickety split!
I would practice slow motion responses, especially when I knew I would be around people who often triggered me. I learned to pause when something happened (if someone said something offensive, looked at me the “wrong way”, said something that felt threatening, etc) and notice what I felt in my body. I had to learn what feelings FELT like!
I was already accustomed to noticing what making sound FELT like; feeling my larynx or tongue move a millimeter; feeling my soft palate lift and lower, feeling my intercostal muscles and ab muscles contract as I controlled the slow release of air on a phrase. I had years of practicing noticing my body.
I’d never noticed how my body responded to feelings, as in emotions.
Frustration makes my face heat up, heart beat fast.
Anger is hot and fast - running like a fire up and down through me.
Fear is numbing and nauseating.
Joy puffs up my chest and makes me feel light on my feet.
Excitement makes my heart beat fast too; I smile a lot.
Contentment feels calm; every fiber feels steady and smooth; breathing is deep and slow.
It’s still a practice - managing my reactions. When I can take the time to sit with a strong feeling, I’ve learned that a measured response can take place. Admittedly, those are few and far between. Mostly, I still react quickly, but I’m also quicker to notice it and correct it.
Ways I’ve learned to practice releasing intense feelings without exploding…
Breathing practices
Awareness practice - the tools of Somatic Experiencing are to tune into the senses - in a tense moment, what do I see, hear, smell, etc.
Movement - walking, swimming, yoga, Qigong
Self-expression: singing, dancing, writing, coloring
Guided nurturing meditations
Talking with a good friend who has good energy to co-regulate with in an intense moment.
Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson was a good guide for this slowing down a reaction
Playing - this one is new to me; I didn’t play much as a child; often walking on eggshells… I’m learning still.
Singing was a life-saver early on. I didn’t know that it was helping me attune and process subconsciously. I just knew it made me feel better; now I know why.
I believe it’s why many are drawn to singing; it’s comforting. We are self-soothing by vibrating our emotional center (throat).
I’m bringing self-regulating practices into the studio, especially around performing/public presentation, where our nervous systems can be on edge.
In our “Whole Heart-Connected Voice” Beach workshops this fall, we are exploring how sounds feel, how emotions feel, what emotions sound like, and more. 💚💙
How do you self-regulate when you are triggered?